In my first few years of marriage, it was as if Ivor & I were blindfolded and trying to find our way around in a new house but kept bumping into each other. After days of constant bumping and sore foreheads, it became uncomfortable and overwhelmingly apparent that we were not finding our way. Our first major disagreement May 2011 was huge. In retrospect, it was caused by a simple miscommunication, yes, I am agreeing with you that the word ‘simple’ is relative. The Jamaican saying goes, “wha a joke to yu, a det to mi” in this case, what’s simple to me is detrimental to you.
A simple misunderstanding that resulted in a huge argument, which almost ended our marriage, before we received the Marriage Certificate in our hands. At the time, my husband was assigned by his employer to the parish of St. Elizabeth, which is approximately 32 miles from where we lived in Manchester, and approximately 3 times the journey to Kingston, where he was required to go daily, Mondays to Fridays and sometimes on Saturdays. In total, my husband was covering over 200 miles every day, between Mountain Side St, Elizabeth and Kingston, Jamaica, back & forth.
I became very concerned for him - this travelling was excessive, and he was actually driving the truck himself. I felt helpless! One night, on his way back from Kingston en route to Mountain Side, he stopped to see me in Manchester (as was customary), he was tired and exhausted. That night the weight of his traveling burdened my heart and I felt overwhelmed for him. There was nothing much I could do, so I offered to accompany him back to base. This meant driving my car behind his truck to St. Elizabeth, just to ensure that he got to his destination safely. We agreed and I started to get myself ready for the trip. It was spontaneous and exciting for both of us. I eventually got dressed and went outside to the car however, the truck was nowhere in sight. I got into the car, drove to the gate, looked left, looked right and left again and confirmed that the truck was really not there. By this time, I was puzzled! I mean, he called to me a few times while I was getting dressed and I reassured him I wouldn't be long. I was left wondering, what could have sparked and ruined our 'rondevu' in such short period of time. I was mad! “How could he leave me?”, “how could he treat me like this?”, “how could he be so ungrateful?” Were some of the questions that sped through my mind. I eventually returned to the house hurt and broken.
A few minutes later my phone rang, it was hubby. “Where are you?” He asked. “I’m home” was my firm response. Hubby: “Aren’t you coming again?”. “Well, when I got into the car you were gone, it’s clear you didn’t really want my company!”, I replied, in a stiff dry tone. “You were taking so long to get dressed, so I drove to the main road where I am still waiting on you” he responded. “Now, I wouldn’t know that, would I?” And just like that, “teeth and tongue met”. He was upset with me, I was upset with him and upset plus upset equals emotional explosion. As mentioned in series 1, misunderstanding can cause “teeth and tongue to meet”. Referencing the analogy in Series 1, “my new equipment/device" was now malfunctioning, and I chose option B (I opened the device and made a bigger mess of it, then closed it up and chose C). I called our Bishop. At no point during this emotional explosion, did I consult the Manufacturer, option D.
My mishandling of that first situation, 2 1/2 months into marriage, regrettably set the tone for years to come. Subsequently, there were more miscommunications and misunderstandings. I sought intervention from our then bishop on a few occasions. Oh, he was a gentleman, a servant of God. One who availed himself to be used by God, and certainly he was a blessing to many lives. I admired how humble he was. He always responded to my calls with urgency and care. He was always willing to pitch in where necessary and he never seemed judgmental. May his soul rest in eternal peace!
I am now of the firm belief that on that cold, breezy night of May 2011 when my intentions were good, but we miscommunicated and tempers flared, had I closed my door and cried out to God to:
Teach me how to understand and respond to my husband with love and grace.
Teach me how to be patient with my husband, as He Christ is forever patient with me.
Guide me to the right timing and approach to handle differences.
Grant me spiritual insight to navigate this new path.
He would have answered me and granted me the wisdom, knowledge and understanding I needed to navigate the course of 13 years.
“The lord Jesus says, I am the way, the truth and the life” [John 14:6]
We must come to terms with the fact that only God can express the truth, grant us life, and show us the way. Therefore, who better to run to in our times of trouble, but our Heavenly Father? I am certainly not discounting the fact that God has anointed men on earth to carry out his work in various ways, including guiding married couples. But seeking God MUST be our first approach.
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need”. [Matthew 6:33 NLT]
We tend to use the word of God as application to selective aspects of our lives, but God is concerned about ALL areas of our lives, and he is certainly concerned about our marriages. After all, marriage is instituted by God! Marriage is a heavenly assignment and not an earthly ritual. THERE IS NOTHING EARTHLY ABOUT MARRIAGE! Did God put us together to be happy or holy? Why were we joined together in HOLY matrimony? Are we fulfilling God's purpose? See, during those few years of my marriage I could not answer any of these questions. I was unaware I was on ‘kingdom assignment’, and so Jesus Christ was not the center of my marriage.
The Christless foundation that we laid in 2009 - 2011 for our union inevitably came crashing down. It was as weak as a structure built without steel, awaiting a category 3 hurricane or magnitude 6.0 earthquake to tear it apart. The misunderstandings, the miscommunications, the unrealistic demands and expectations were like hurricanes and earthquakes hitting year after year, weakening the Christless foundation, which came tumbling down.
The Turning Point: Join me in series no. 3 where I’ll share how I suffered in silence, before stumbling upon a deep desire for a sincere relationship with Christ. That was my turning point!
Are you suffering silently in your marriage? Please know that you are not alone. The Sisters of Women Powered by Purpose Praise and Prayer stand with you in prayer for healing. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" [Prov. 3:5].
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