Dear godly women, we are humans, but we don’t wage war as humans do -
"The weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds” [2 Corinthians 10: 3-4].
Prayer and fasting are the most effective weapons to demolish strongholds. As Christians, most times we live below our spiritual potential, not understanding the power of the Holy Spirit that abides within us. The enemy only seems “mighty” when we are unaware of what we are equipped with. He knows the power that we have, which is why He works assiduously to hold us in a place of ignorance.
During the first years of confronting the realities of marriage, I suffered in silence, and that was one stronghold the enemy used against me. A stronghold I spent the greater part of my marriage fighting against using 'worldly weapons', which was a losing battle. The shame I felt deep in my soul was unutterable, that my “perfect marriage" was imperfect. I felt burdened to disappoint those looking on with great expectations when I thought of admitting that my marriage wasn’t working. There were moments when I accepted my fate, but there came a point when a beam of light flashed in the thick darkness. In desperation for that little ray of hope, I attempted with an intense grasp to hold on to the flash, but it only shone briefly, and suddenly went away.
Unless we are educated on the schemes the enemy uses against us, we will be bridled, become emotionally, physically and spiritually malnourished, and eventually defeated. It was later on that I realized that pride was another scheme the enemy used against me. Pride came in the form of accepting the unrealistic pedestal on which my husband and I were placed, as the “it couple”. This only left me feeling pressured, working tirelessly every day to get it right at all times. Seemingly, there was absolutely no room for errors. When the inevitable errors occurred, I felt I would be ridiculed if I paused to find my own path. As such, I kept going.
I was extremely secretive, and my prayer life was unhealthy. There was no outlet, and my usual bubbly persona provided the perfect disguise. I always seemed to be okay, while gravely ill, due to my emotional and spiritual illiteracy. I was being guided by the standards of the world which dictated that even in the toughest of circumstances we were to adorn ourselves with that 'beautiful crown'. Keep our chins up, and tell ourselves and by extension the world, that we were doing just fine. No wonder Romans 12:2 (NLT) says:
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect".
One of the greatest gifts that Jesus Christ has given us is showing us how natural it is to experience different kinds of emotions. While on earth He loved, He showed kindness, joy and even sadness. Scripture tells us Jesus wept, He openly displayed pain and agony. Please note carefully however, Jesus brought all His pain to His father. HE DID NOT PRETEND HE WAS OK! He told His father exactly how He was feeling. "My God My God, why has thou forsaken Me?" Here in the book of Matthew 27:46, Jesus poured out all those emotions, and made space for God's grace to comfort and reassure Him. Godly women, no matter what you’re feeling, tell Jesus about it. He cares about you, how you’re feeling, and His grace is sufficient to keep you safe.
I remember once a sister from church visited our home, seeking council from us on her troubled marriage. I sat with her and could empathize. In the middle of the conversation, I could hear her indirectly wishing for a marriage like ours. I eventually mustered the courage and said to her, “Our marriage is not perfect either my sister”, to that she responded, “Oh Lord, my sister you’re only saying that. Yes, it is!”. I said, "No, it’s not!" The startled look on her face that followed my response was frightening. She seemed pale and sweaty. It was as if the ground on which she sat shifted and she was now sinking. Then she spoke again, this time in a tone of appeal, “Nooooo!”, followed by a long pause - then she continued “Your husband makes you laugh all the time, you guys are good." I smiled and left it at that, only in a bid not to disappoint this sister, who had our marriage as the standard she aspired to be. With the little knowledge and experience I had, I encouraged her to pray, carrying a burden in my heart for her marriage, my marriage and so many other marriages I knew were struggling. Married couples who were going by daily unaware of the healing power in openness and truth, which opens the door to God's grace.
"To know God is to know peace. No God, no peace!"
Ten [10] years into my marriage, I struggled. There were beautiful days, sad days, days I wanted out, days I wanted to remain. It was an emotional roller coaster. I tried counseling, we made several attempts to try our own therapy. Nothing would bring permanent peace or satisfaction, until I had an amazing encounter with God. In the year 2021, the theme for our church’s annual month of fasting and prayer was “I Surrender All”. There was something special about that year and that theme. I couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but I felt it, I knew I was having an encounter. The theme resonated with me. During the nightly teaching sessions, I would be convicted and there was this deep desire down in my soul to finally surrender my entire being to God. I remember in one fasting session, I said to God, “I surrender my will, my ways, my desires, my likes, my dislikes, my preferences, and every fiber of my being to you.” I honestly was not aware of the extent of my commitment to God, but He honored it, and that day was a turning point in my life.
I started a new journey of spending much time in prayer and fasting and getting close to God. I was not praying about marriage, finances, health or any earthly desires but my sole intention was to get close to God. With open arms He received me and worked on the good desires of my heart. No one comes in contact with Jesus and remains the same, my renewal process began straight away. I rejoiced with great expectations that God would start fixing everything and everyone in my sphere, but startlingly, I was the first course of action. See, my thoughts were that through the eyes of my Heavenly Father, I was seen as His daughter who was really making an effort. One who was trying to live a holy life, though not perfect, but not totally imperfect. However, when God revealed my flaws, I fell before Him in repentance and wept bitterly. He showed me pride, impatience, lack of grace, anger, frustration, selfishness, and bitterness. Immediately, I placed myself on the altar and like David in Psalm 51:1, 2, 16, and 17 (NLT) I cried:
“Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God”.
That process brought me great relief and unspeakable joy. I became a new person. God granted me His "peace which passeth all understanding" and did a new thing in me. My desires were now centered around the things of God. In everything I did, pleasing God became my ultimate priority, and it was in this season my perspective on marriage became renewed. I learnt that:
• The happiness I spent years searching for in my husband could only be found in God. Joy does not come from external conditions, but from internal confidence that God is at work and in control of my life.
• Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails [1 Corinthians 13: 4-8].
•God made me to be a "help mate" to my husband and not his teacher.
Join me in Series 4 where I’ll share how God delivered me from the verge of separation, to completely loving my husband in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or worst.
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